My Body is None of Your Business Good or Bad

I shouldn’t even have to say/address this, but unfortunately because of the culture we live in, I do.

I have received comments on my body my whole life, positive or negative and I am not alone in this. This is something probably every human, but especially every woman can relate to and experiences consistently. The simple act of being a woman means my body is up for discussion to anyone and everyone. It doesn’t matter that it makes me uncomfortable, that it is painful hearing comments positive or negative personally for me, because they are doing the socially accepted thing and I’m supposed to not only not oppose it, but actually be grateful and appreciate their “kind words”.

I have been pretty much every size thanks to eating disorders and health problems. Yet, when I was extremely skinny, people assumed I knew about health and was very healthy (not knowing my whole food philosophy was to eat so little that I was tricking my body into thinking it was eating). When I was larger, people assumed I lived off the couch and Big Macs. Do you know what didn’t change throughout time? Me. I have worked out and eaten healthy my whole life (with the exception of during the eating disorders!) The only thing that has changed is my eating has only gotten healthier over time as I’ve learned more about nutrition. Yet, at one time, when I was eating healthier than I ever had up to that point and consistently working out as I have my whole life, people assumed I wasn’t healthy and everyone from family (my husband has never been a part of this. He loves me no matter what and doesn’t care abt weight) to friends to doctors made painful assumptions that weren’t true.

Do you know what I later found out? I found that I had health problems and all of them combined caused me to gain weight and my metabolism basically broke. Once they worked on resolving the health issues, my weight began to drop – no medications, no dieting, etc. yet people assumed I must’ve just started “working hard” and decided “it was time” to take control 🙄

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the size I used to be, but guess what? I DON’T CARE. Because I know I treat my body right. I know that I eat extremely healthy, the right amount, and workout regularly, but more importantly, I know my worth. So I would rather spend my time loving myself and loving and enjoying my life than panicking that I don’t match what others think I should.

Whether you think I look good or bad, it’s simply none of your business. It is not appropriate to comment on someone else’s body. It’s not appropriate to tell them they’ve lost or gained weight, to give unsolicited advice, to joke about it, etc. You do not know what people have gone through. Are you triggering thoughts from eating disorders, have they gone through trauma, mental health issues, are they really struggling with self esteem? Is you’re saying you’ve lost weight in their head playing as “wow, you sure looked awful before”? That’s what I often here and then this panicked voice in my head says, “I can’t go back!” The bottom line is you don’t know and even if you do or THINK you do, it’s just none of your business.

We’ve clearly addressed my feelings, but let’s talk abt the research. Today I’m mainly talking abt weight and adults, but I have a separate article coming about positive body image in children/weight. Here we go… Society’s inclination towards skinny hurts people emotionally and physically.

I started writing this and then read this awesome article in self, (read the whole thing here please!!) written by a dietitian (which reinforced everything I said above) says,

“Lots of women (and probably men, too) know the feeling: when someone you know literally weighs you with their eyes, before saying something like: ‘Did you lose weight? You look so good!’… For many of my clients, “compliments” about weight can have a intense and complicated effects on people who are already dealing with their bodies being appraised and judged (and stigmatized).”

She goes on to explain some major problems with any comment on weight, it’s “intrusive”, reinforces negative social norms and pressures, isn’t a compliment (says you looked bad before), it’s not our place, can trigger big issues, we don’t know what’s going on with their lives, it’s NEVER okay. Read that again, not typically not okay, it’s NEVER okay. (1)

But what abt people who like you to comment and make it clear they’ve worked hard? I still personally feel it’s inappropriate. It sends the message it matters, I critiqued you, I care what size you are, and you looked bad before.

Here’s an awesome article on Scary a Mommy on what this does to her. MI (2)

NCBI

“Psychological well-being includes self-acceptance, autonomy, environmental mastery, purpose in life, and personal growth (Ryff, 1989). Research indicates that the psychological well-being of those living with obesity may be compromised due to ‘distress over obesity,’ defined as ‘the degree to which an individual is concerned and unhappy about his or her body and the impact of excess weight’. (3)

The social well-being of those living with obesity may be negatively affected due to the social stigma of obesity. Pervasive negative weight-related attitudes in society, such as that those living with obesity are lazy and unintelligent, may result in discriminatory behaviours in the workplace and in healthcare settings, and social opportunities (Puhl & Heuer, 2009; Taylor et al., 2013). Social stigma, in turn, influences both emotional and psychological well-being through the internalization of anti-obesity attitudes.

Weight bias directed at those living with obesity was an overarching theme and main source of the negative interactions that caused deterioration of the participants’ mental well-being, as we have found in our previous studies”

We are SO focused on weight and bodies that we have passed that “fear of fat” onto children. A study at Duke University found that weight bias in children ages 9-11 is as prevalent as racial bias. (4)

“It’s pretty common for parents to comment on their own weight issues and tell their children they shouldn’t be eating certain foods or remark about how much weight they’re gaining,” Dr. Skinner said. (5)

While I love the emphasis on children eating healthy, I wish we’d switch the goal from ending childhood obesity, to teaching children a love of moving, playing, and healthy foods and teach them why their body will benefit from choosing to eat foods that nourish them.

Dr. Kahan said, “Obesity has been called the last socially acceptable form of prejudice, and persons with obesity are considered acceptable targets of stigma,” Dr. Kahan wrote in a 2015 blog post. He said that weight bias “occurs even in people who are otherwise fair-minded and nonjudgmental – even in obesity specialists,” (6)

Our obsession with size hurts people emotionally by tying worth, confidence, work ethic, etc. to size. It’s teaches children from a young age that that’s what society values most, and as a result is what should be our primary focus. It hurts physically by creating stress which we all know is harmful to our health. But also, it can prevent people from eating healthy foods and demonizing whole food groups because they are too “high calorie” (I’m looking at you, diets, especially Keto (a diet to help children with epileptic seizures that was then taken over by the “wellness industry”). This screws up the metabolism and makes people miss out on crucial nutrients. It makes people favor these type of things no matter what it does to their body as long as it makes them thin. Imagine if everyone felt the freedom to eat a balanced, healthy diet, avocado, complex carbohydrates, etc. but people aren’t free to do this because for some eating a balanced diet means they won’t be as skinny as society says they should be because they’re natural body size is just different. (7 ) (8) (9)

But what about all the health complications of obesity/overweight? I personally believe what we think we know is all wrong. I don’t believe fatness is the cause of heart attack, death, or other health problems. I believe those studies of higher belly fat/higher risk of heart attack, etc etc. missed it. I think many people who struggle with weight eat things that are detrimental to their bodies and don’t give it the detoxing (exercise, water, toxin free living) it needs. I personally believe it’s just a symptom of many things and sometimes just the way someone’s body is. I know plenty of people who eat incredibly healthy and exercise, but their natural body shape is not super skinny. All our obsession abt weight especially causes problems because people and even dr’s just look at the weight and assume that must be the cause of their problems and prescribe or go looking for weight loss supplements or diets that wreak havoc in the long term instead of looking at deeper root issues and sometimes making life changes. You may think I’m crazy for having opinions contrary to what is “known”, but people questioning the “known” is how we have any further information and ground breaking studies. I will do a post on this because it’s too long, for this already long post, but for now, here is an interesting study.

Perhaps of the most detrimental results of our body obsession is that it can prevent people from going to the dr. Often for reasons mentioned above. This article about how weight stigma kept a woman out of the dr for almost 10 years gives an important insight into the anxiety going to the dr can trigger for some larger people. (10)

So I’m begging you, stop talking about weight, stop talking about your weight loss diet, the calories in the food, your guilt over fries or dessert, etc., and the evil “fattening” foods. Stop criticizing yours and others bodies, stop commenting on others’ bodies positive or negative and stop focusing on bodies and instead let’s focus on, I don’t know, people? Who they are? Their value? Let’s change culture and let people know that they are valued for who they are.

How is it in this age of feminism and progressive thought (I know we always have more work to do and a long ways to go!), it’s socially acceptable for someone to look someone up and down and comment on their body (positive or negative). Yet, stating you’re uncomfortable would be the impolite thing to do? I understand we are visual beings and inclined to love beauty, but can’t we appreciate each human being for the beauty that is them? Meaning, each human has so much to offer and has a story. Can’t we appreciate the beautiful complexity and character and everything that makes up every person instead of merely focusing on body? A body that is not ours, not our business, and is merely a tool to accomplish what we desire and strive for in this life?

I don’t think it’s wrong to say you look beautiful/handsome, I love your hair/clothes. But I think something as personal as a body should not be up for discussion and I think there are so many better things to talk about/compliment someone on! My goal? Let more people know the beauty I see in them: thank you for being so kind, thoughtful, a great listener, understanding, empathizing, always making me laugh. For my LO, I try really hard to focus on things like, wow! You are so responsible, kind, sweet, thoughtful, smart, hard working, etc. I want to try to leave those around me with them knowing I see and appreciate the beauty that is them. And I want everyone around me to know that all that matters to me is who they are and their size is not something I am critiquing, focusing on, or care about in the least.

My Body is None of Your Business Good or Bad

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