What Do I Say To My Friend Whose Baby Passed away

“Help, my friends baby just passed away. What should I say/do?” I get this question a lot and I figured it’d be good for a post. First off, is this an okay question to ask? It depends. Pay attention to if the person you are abt to ask has been open abt their experiences. If you’re new here, I have a daughter who passed away at 38 1/2 weeks and a son who passed away at 19 1/2 weeks. Both stillbirths. I talk abt my angels a lot and by doing so, hope I send the message they are an integral part of my life and a safe topic. I love talking abt them any time. I LOVE it when people ask me this because so many people feel so uncomfortable with sorrow and pain and they want to say something that is right but often end up saying something that makes them feel better, not the friend who has lost a child. In fact, often the things that make that person feel better, cause the person dealing with loss a great deal of pain.

If you just know they have had a child pass away, but never talk about it, there’s a good chance it’s something they feel more comfortable keeping private and that is perfectly okay, but in those cases, this probably isn’t a question you should ask them.

Unfortunately for some reason, there seems to be a heirarchy of compassion for stuff like this. It’s like the older your kid is the more compassion and the less you’re expected to “get over it”. My children who’ve passed away often come up in conversation. When I mention I’ve had 2 children pass away (and even when just my daughter had passed away), people would look shocked and say, “what happened??” I explain they passed away before birth and almost always am met with a relieved, “oh” like it’s not nearly as bad or as big a deal. I have had a daughter and son pass away. Their age and in the womb or out of it does not matter. Their life means the same. It’s just as valuable and should be met with equal compassion. With almost any death, people eventually expect you to get over it and be okay. What they don’t realize is the death of a loved one is not something you ever “get over”. Your ability to function with the pain will likely improve, but that hole in your heart never goes away, it just eventually sits alongside joy and other emotions. From what I’ve observed it seems someone who struggles with infertility gets the least amount of compassion in these situations, next is those with an early miscarriage, next is those with late term/stillbirth, next is a baby who passes away from SIDS, next seems to be a younger child, then an older child, then it seems to drop again as people age. Even then though, people expect you to eventually move on. Again, not happening. What I first want to acknowledge is we need to stop ranking pain and grief. Every single person’s pain and grief is huge and important. Every one listed above comes with unfulfilled futures, potentials, and dreams and what will never be in this life. The hardest 2 parts for me are 1) closing the casket knowing I will never see my beloved child again in this life and 2) seeing the casket lowered into the ground. Not even a year after my daughter passed away, someone asked me what my plan was for resuming normal life again. Not an employer and not my husband. I just looked at this person in shock. I know no ill intent was intentioned, but it is one of many comments over the years of those who think I just need to heal, etc. so first things first, give worlds of compassion no matter the age or circumstance. A life is a life and each are sacred and none should be brushed off as less difficult, smaller, or less valuable. Second, don’t expect them to ever be the same again. Their world just crashed and it changed them forever. I personally like who I am better now. I am strong and I know, with the help of God, I can get through anything (though I, like everyone else, don’t hope for pain or heartache).

Don’t:

• Be afraid to ask hard questions

• Put a positive spin on it
• Quote religious doctrine no matter how religious they are. They are capable of looking up what they want to read. If they have questions, they’ll ask, but all they need at this moment is empathy.
• Say this is the worst thing ever (we see our kids as a blessing and it stings when someone refers to them as something horrible or a tragedy)
• Put them in a position to comfort you or to hear you vent about it. There’s a circle of who can vent to who. Parents are at the center, next circle out would be siblings, Grandparents, etc., next may be extended family. The general rule is you shouldn’t vent to anyone in a circle smaller than you. You can say you miss them and love them, but you shouldn’t unload your grief on them- only in circles bigger than you. This goes for any loss. I read about this theory in this awesome article.
• Give advice
• Say things that make you feel less awkward: “they’re in a better place, God needed them in Heaven, too pure for this world”, etc.
• Be offended if they dont respond or thank you for your words or gesture. We wanted SO badly to thank everyone but as I’d write the note, I’d relive everything and the PTSD was intense. I felt so bad that I never reached out to everyone, but I try to pay it forward by not expecting anything from others who I try to help
• Just show up. When my daughter passed away, I just needed alone time and silence. Every word, conversation, decision was just too much. I basically just hid from well meaning people who wanted to see me. There were some people I was able to see, but it was my choice and ones who had been through it. A good thing to do is leave something at their door without knocking or text and say, I’m here (not physically at their place) and would love to see you, but also understand the need for solitude during this time. Please consider this an open invite if you’d ever like to do anything
• Pretend like nothing happened. I had friends who would just ask questions like life was normal and when I’d bring up my kids would just get super uncomfortable and brush past or act like I didn’t say anything. This made Dal and I just stay home for a while because we felt like our world had just shattered and you couldn’t expect us to just act normal. We’d never be “normal” again.
• If someone is venting to you about something hurtful that was said or done, don’t defend the other person. Recognize the person mourning is most likely not angry at the person, they’re just in pain and need a safe person to talk to. They don’t need another perspective, they just need empathy and love

Do:

• Tell them you’re there to listen if they want
• Ask them how they are (I preferred text because calling or in person was too on the spot)
• Send flowers, a note, or small gift and mail it or leave it on the porch to not put them on the spot
• Remember circles of grief and venting. You can vent to circles outside yourself, not inside or close to the center.
• Ask them if they want company
• Tell them you are here if they want, but they can cancel on you any time. A friend did this for me and I’ll be forever grateful
• Keep it short and sweet. Even though it feels like you should be saying so much, resist the urge and just say something like I’m so sorry. I love you and your little one and I’m here.
• Understand you may ache to talk to them and hug them, but they may need solitude. Remember what’s your need vs theirs and don’t force it on them
• Honor what they believe no matter what you believe. I personally believe life and a soul begin at conception. Many I’ve talked to when they’ve had miscarriages also believe that. Many do not. For those who don’t, I don’t mention my feelings. I honor their feelings and talk/listen according to that. The same applies if you don’t believe there is a soul from the beginning. Honor their feelings and let them talk about their feelings
• If they ask you to celebrate their baby’s bday with them, do if it’s at all possible for you. Even if you don’t get it realize it must be incredibly important to them if they asked you to be there.
• One of the most important things: remember the anniversaries/birthdays and text them. You can send something small or just a text but that’s really all I need and many need is to know their child isn’t forgotten and to know people love their child and are thinking of them.

Below are some experiences that meant the world to me

• One of the women I used to nanny for/a dear friend, came and visited me. She had also had a child pass away. She picked up a perfect hat for my baby to be buried in and just sat with me and listened to my experience and shared hers. She told me she was there if I wanted to hang out/get out of the house, gave me advice I wanted/asked for, told me to not go too fast and just focus on my needs (some of the best advice I received) and so much more. she came to the funeral. One of my favorite things she did is she dropped off the softest, most comfortable pjs. This is a woman who is perfectly organized, always put together and just SO on top of it. I went straight from the hospital to target to buy clothes because I couldn’t bear to wear maternity clothes or the ones I’d bought for when the baby came and couldn’t fit in pre-maternity clothes. I had just given birth 1 or 2 days before, but because I didn’t have a baby in my arms, felt like I shouldn’t just go home and rest. I passed a massive blood clot and had to figure out if I needed an ambulance and just had to take it so easy after that. It was hard to take care of myself, because I felt like I was just supposed to be normal and back in the world. I didn’t give thought or care to what my body had just been through, so for her to drop off these comfy pjs, just felt like her saying, take it easy and stay at home until you feel ready. There is no rush. Get comfortable.
• Another woman from my church told me she had been through something similar and she’s there if I ever wanted to talk. I took her up on it and it was so healing
• Another family friend/woman I had nannies for brought food, paid for a beautiful, big framed photo of my daughter’s feet
• One of my best friends came and took me to lunch and just asked, “do you want to talk about it?” Seriously, one of the best things anyone said and that you could say. Since everyone is different, just ask what they want or need
• Another woman at my church that I didn’t know super well at this point asked if she could visit me. She arranged a babysitter for her son so I wouldn’t have to watch an adorable child play and just brought me flowers and sat down and we just cried together. She told me her experiences with losing her Dad and told me she’s going to keep inviting me to stuff but I can say no or accept and then cancel at anytime. She’ll understand and never be offended. This was a great gift and she became so dear to me.
• Another friend from church, just kept inviting me to go on walks with her and let me know she was there. One day I was locked out and needed a place to go, and she was my first thought.
• Some of my best friends came to the funeral and talked during the luncheon and just helped me to feel like myself again. I even laughed. It felt so foreign, but reminded me I would laugh again.
• SO many people donated money when my daughter passed away so we had to spend barely any of our own money (we had basically nothing at the time) to lay our daughter to rest. We’re forever grateful for their sacrifices.
• Gifts that meant so much: a weeping willow statue of a mom holding a baby, a little jewelry plate that fills me with joy and love every time I put my jewelry on it, a necklace with my kids initials , notes, etc.

There are so many people who did wonderful things and so many beautiful gifts. I wish I could mention absolutely everything here, but I’m just doing a summary. There were meals, a luncheon, flowers, and just so many thoughtful people and gestures. Every person, every thought meant the world. Even for those who said “the wrong thing”, I didn’t feel upset at them at all. I felt grateful that they tried. That is the most important thing. Don’t let the fear of saying/doing the wrong thing keep you from doing anything, because I promise, just the effort means the world. Lastly, not everyone is like me. I know many feel like me, but some don’t, follow and trust your gut, but most importantly just ask them what they need from you and honor that. If you are reading this to know how to help someone, thank you! Thank you for trying to be there for the people in your life dealing with this life altering pain.