Why You Should Argue in Front of Your Kids

Weird title, right? But just stick with me- I promise it’s worth it 🙂

This is a topic that’s been fascinating to me basically forever but especially the past decade or so. I figure with everyone in such close quarters right now combined with the added tension of the unknown, some may find there may be more issues that need to be settled, so it seemed like the perfect time to publish this post 🙂

There are a lot of things people are doing during this quarantine. For some like me, a stay at home mom, life really isn’t that different, for others, it’s drastically different, but either way, when considering a new project or whatever, this may be a good time to look around you and look at the most important thing and most important people to you and evaluate what’s working and what’s not and make goals and make your project to work on what’s not working. Because those people deserve our very best, they deserve our careful consideration and our constant re-evaluation of how we can do better and how we can help our little humans be more secure, more prepared, better adjusted for their futures. This is not meant to overwhelm you. We’re all on a learning curve and we’re all trying really hard to be who we hope to be, and it’s not something that happens overnight, but it is something worth working on 🙂

First off, in reading everything, there are different terms flying around. Some refer to arguing as bad and then say but healthy conflict is good- it’s peaceful, kind, etc. some say fighting is good but yelling is bad. So, for the sake of clarity, we’re going to define arguing as kindly and peacefully disagreeing. So whatever term each article uses, remember that’s the definition I have in mind here. I highly recommend reading all the articles linked at the bottom of this page. They are all so incredible, but I could only fit so much in this post!

What I’ve observed is the most important thing when arguing is to remember how much you love each other. Especially if you’re going to be with someone forever, there are going to be some heated arguments, but it doesn’t mean either party is unkind or unloving- it just means both parties feel very strongly about their perspective and it may feel a little intense. I do NOT mean fighting as in yelling, name calling, belittling, swearing, etc. I do not believe the latter belongs in relationships.

Another important reminder: if you are in a relationship that has the above or has left you feeling drained of confidence and feelings of self- worth, you are not betraying your spouse by seeking help whether that be therapy, advice from a friend or parent, etc. or in some necessary cases, leaving. And if you are in a relationship where you have ever been hit, hurt, or anything abusive, that is not remotely okay. Call this National Domestic Abuse Hotline or a trusted friend or family member and do what you need to to get you and any dependents to safety. While that isn’t what this post is about, I feel it’s extremely important to clarify that because especially in those relationships, it can lead the victim feeling that if they just tried harder, it would be okay, and I want to be very clear that that is not where I am going with this and that is not okay.

I had always wondered what to do in my future family because I’d seen the effects of fighting in front of kids (feelings of needing to protect themselves and others and fight or flight) and I’ve seen the effects of never having any conflict in front of kids (not sure how to handle conflict), so in college, I took a class for a semester on strengthening families. I asked my professor what the research says on arguing or not in front of the kids and described what I’d seen on both sides. It felt like a lose lose. He responded that arguing in front of your kids teaches them that people who love each other still argue and can give them important conflict resolution tools. It also gives them realistic expectations for their relationships, romantic and platonic. The SECOND you feel it getting heated though, it’s important to move the conversation elsewhere or table it for later.

This made SO much sense to me. As time went on, I realized others were just as confused as me about the question, so in making the decision to start my blog, I knew I wanted emotional wellness to be addressed with the same amount of importance as physical health and put this and other important topics in my file to share when it felt right.

Never arguing in front of your children sends the false message that people in a good marriage who love each other do not disagree or argue or when they do sense tension, but can tell you’re just covering it up, it leaves them confused. Both of these situations, leave children really struggling to deal with conflict and communication.

What I’ve seen is when children grow up and date, they are looking at the model they’ve seen their whole life so they may think they need to find someone who they always agree with/get along with. When, and I do mean WHEN they disagree, especially on important topics, it can leave them feeling helpless, wondering if there is something wrong with them or their relationship, wondering if they need to get out because people who love each other, shouldn’t ever have arguments.

A marriage and family therapist, Susan Heitler said, Your fights can impact how your children handle their own anger too. “If they never learn to verbalize their true feelings, they may grow up squashing those feelings or believing that conflicts can never be resolved constructively… When they hit a turbulent time in their future relationships, or disagree with a colleague or a boss, they won’t have the skills to untangle and resolve differences. And if you have all of your fights behind closed doors, or tell the kids, “We’re not fighting” when it’s clear that you are, they won’t learn to trust their own perceptions — or you, for that matter.“ (1)

While not a scientific source or written by an expert, a good article from Parent.com that used research from experts along with personal experience says, “parents who manage disagreements well are actually modeling healthy conflict resolution for their kids... From watching my parents argue, I learned that loving someone doesn’t always mean agreeing with them and that the person you spend your life with will inevitably have quirks that get on your nerves. I saw that my parents were equal partners and treated each other as such. They fought respectfully – no name calling, no threats, no blanket accusations and no hollow appeasements for the sake of ending the discussion. They kept their sense of humor, and they saved really sensitive topics for when we kids were out of ear shot.“ (2)

In addition to this to this, it leaves them without the critical tools for healthy conflict resolution.

Mark Cummings, a psychologist at Notre Dame said, “Some parents, knowing how destructive conflict can be, may think that they can avoid affecting their children by giving in, or capitulating, in order to end an argument. But that’s not an effective tactic. “We did a study on that,” Cummings said. According to parents’ records of their fights at home and their children’s reactions, kids’ emotional responses to capitulation are “not positive.” (3)

The Wall Street Journal has an AMAZING article I highly recommend called, “Arguing in Front of the Kids, May be Good for them.” It begins by saying, “Many parents were raised believing the old rule: Never fight in front of the children. New research suggests it’s time for a more nuanced view. Parents who can resolve conflicts and emerge with warm feelings toward each other instill better coping skills and emotional security in children, studies show.” (4)

Moreover, just as spouses will always have disagreements, children will have things they disagree with and need to talk out with their parents, even into adulthood; but if our children have not seen a pattern throughout their lives of loving people who argue and resolve it, how will they have the confidence throughout their lives that coming to us and addressing what needs to be addressed won’t destroy our relationship?

This leaves them with two options, bury those feelings or pull away and I don’t think that’s what any parent wants. Looking at my little one sleeping while I write this, all I want to do is look in little one’s eyes and say if there is ever ANYTHING that has hurt your feelings or been upsetting in any way, talk to me, because I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken and all I want is to have a good relationship with little one forever and as a good friend of mine said in regards to people’s tendency to avoid conflict out of fear of damaging a relationship, when in reality it becomes a barrier to having a deep relationship, “true intimacy (familial, romantic, and platonic) comes from staying the course and being uncomfortable”.

So how do we help our children become better equipped to deal with conflict? Just like any skill, it’s one that takes practice and time. Simply knowing what you should do isn’t enough, it’s a skill that must be practiced. Show by example that people who love each other still argue. Make your love very clear during your argument and again, if you feel it getting heated relocate or table it. When they are arguing with you, a friend, or a sibling, instead of telling them simply to stop, give them the tools to express their feelings, to understand the other side’s feelings, and to work through it productively. I believe this will also benefit children down the road in their careers to be able to handle constructive criticism.

“Parents should model real life…at its best,” says Glucoft Wong. “Let them overhear how people work things out and negotiate and compromise.” (3)

Diana Divecha, a developmental psychologist teaching at Berkeley, authored an article in which she shared some of her research and also the research of others on this subject:

“Some types of conflicts are not disturbing to kids, and kids actually benefit from it,” says Cummings. When parents have mild to moderate conflict that involves support and compromise and positive emotions, children develop better social skills and self-esteem, enjoy increased emotional security, develop better relationships with parents, do better in school and have fewer psychological problems.

“When kids witness a fight and see the parents resolving it, they’re actually happier than they were before they saw it,” says Cummings. “It reassures kids that parents can work things through. We know this by the feelings they show, what they say, and their behavior—they run off and play. Constructive conflict is associated with better outcomes over time.”

Even if parents don’t completely resolve the problem but find a partial solution, kids will do fine. “Compromise is best, but we have a whole lot of studies that show that kids benefit from any progress toward resolution,” says Cummings. (3)

We’ve addressed the harms of lack of confrontation, but what about the other end of the spectrum? Those exposed to fighting? A 20 year study showed spikes in cortisol that affected them in every area and they never just “get used to it” and their psychological regulatory systems become damaged (5).

Children can develop sleep disturbances and health problems like headaches and stomachaches, or they may get sick frequently. Their stress can interfere with their ability to pay attention, which creates learning and academic problems at school. Most children raised in environments of destructive conflict have problems forming healthy, balanced relationships with their peers. Even sibling relationships are adversely affected—they tend to go to extremes, becoming overinvolved and overprotective of each other, or distant and disengaged. (3)

I also think It can also leave them feeling terrified of showing vulnerability, a primal instinct locked in their brain trying desperately to protect them. It is so damaging and can leave them feeling terrified of conflict, but knowing it needs to be addressed, but not understanding how productively so blundering their way through it and sometimes being hurtful because it’s difficult to understand how to communicate productively but differently than the communication language they were raised with.

And whatever you do, leave your children out of it. If you need someone to vent to, go to a therapist to really help that be productive and work towards actual solutions, not your child.

Psychology Today says, “Though children are less mature than their parents, they often feel they must take care of the emotional needs of everyone; a pressure that can leave a child feeling depressed and stressed. Sometimes parents will even call on a child to take sides in a parental dispute, thus dragging the child into the middle of the conflict and forcing him or her to participate. Other times, however, parents’ demands on their children are more subtle, and these parents are unaware of the strains they are placing on their children simply by feeling bad in themselves or in their relationship. Parents who don’t meet each other’s emotional needs frequently turn to their kids for support. Though, often unconscious, this places an unnatural and destructive burden on a child.” (5)

So we can see healthy conflict resolution in front of children is important, but what exactly does that look like? I am writing a post dedicated solely to this, but a quick summary is, “take issue with the behavior, not the person”, approach it as objectively as possible, “seek first to understand then to be understood”, and most importantly observe your children for any signs of stress and reassure them that all of this is normal, that no matter how much you love someone, you’ll disagree and in my opinion explain to them that taking the time to work it out. (1, 6)

So, in closing, the research is clear that it’s good and healthy for children to see calm, peaceful conflict and witness healthy conflict resolution, but another really important thing to consider is the ratio. If all your children see is consistent conflict resolution, even if healthy, I think that would be damaging or lead them to believe that’s the bulk of marriage. Sometimes in the craziness of life, it’s easy to get so focused on the getting stuff done which can result in a lot of roommate behavior and conflict resolution. I think it’s wise to make sure they see at least twice as many loving interactions as conflict, between physical touch (kissing, hugging, holding hands), showing appreciation, complimenting, adoration, and admiration.

Even if parents fight [(argue)] sometimes, a higher ratio of positive to negative exchanges is linked to less sadness and worry in children and teens, according to a recent five-year study of 809 families. Displays of warmth and mutual support helped offset children’s fears about parental discord. (4)

Psychology Today says,

“When parents feel happy and fulfilled in themselves and in their adult relationships, they are less likely to pull on their kids. When parents’ own emotional needs are met, they offer their children a sense of stability and security from which to experience the world. A parent’s happiness allows children to feel happy and to trust that parent to meet their emotional needs.” (5)

This is just one of many resources explaining just how crucial a healthy marriage is for children. There are studies showing how consistently seeing clearly the love parents have for each other increases well being and sense of security in children. We all know how important a healthy marriage is for children’s psyche and all we can do is our very best and remember there is no shame in couples therapy. Taking the steps necessary to feel secure and happy in your marriage is a gift you can give to yourself, each other, and your children. So in summary, do the work to strengthen your marriage and when things come up when you’re around your children and your confident you can calmly talk it out, do so and give your children the gift and wonderful perspective that people who love each other dearly still disagree but that it’s no problem and can work out anything together, and I think this, in turn gives them the confidence and tools to talk to come to you when they need to work things out with you or others. By doing this we can teach them that, “In almost any family conflict, everybody’s craving, and longing, is to feel appreciated, to feel heard and understood and valued,“ and how to effectively meet those needs. We can also give them the confidence that those needs will be met when they come to us. (4)

Why You Should Argue in Front of Your Kids

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