Mother’s Day is so loaded and complicated. For some, it’s pure bliss, for some it’s overwhelming and discouraging, for some it’s incredibly painful, and for some, it’s bittersweet and some feel guilt at whatever emotion they experience. There are some who have lost a child, those longing to be a mother, those struggling with infertility, those who’ve lovingly and selflessly placed a baby for adoption, some who are single and don’t wish to be, some who are divorced, those who’ve lost a spouse, those who are estranged from their mothers or children, and so much more. I wish I knew just what to say to comfort every single person. I don’t even know exactly the right thing to say to everyone who’s had a child pass away, but for the latter, I know what does and doesn’t help me and so many others. Nothing is a one size fits all except compassion and sensitivity, so whoever is in your life who it may be tricky for, send them love, be compassionate, and be sensitive, and try to remember less is often more. I wish I could give advice to ease every single person’s pain during this day, but all I know is my pain and many I’ve spoken to. This obviously isn’t a one size fits all, but it is often very much how people who’ve been in my situation feel, so hopefully it can be helpful to some.
My very first Mother’s Day that i was a mother, I did not realize I was pregnant with my daughter. She passed away the following January (1/28, born 1/29) and that first Mother’s Day was excruciating. I was already pregnant with my second child and so thrilled about that but still grieving the passing of my daughter. (Also, just an interjection, that timing was perfect for us and I’m so glad it was that way, but no two people are the same and everyone’s needs are different).
In my religion, it’s a tradition for all the children in the congregation to get up in front of everyone and sing to their mothers as a choir. This was something I thought was funny and adorable and loved to watch growing up, but now I was facing my first Mother’s Day without my daughter physically present, I was at a loss of what to do. I convinced myself that the best way to honor my daughter was to go to church. I started sobbing as I walked in and just sat in the back uncontrollably sobbing until I left. I honestly can’t remember the rest at that point. While there is nothing wrong with crying and in fact, it’s critical to allow yourself to feel all the emotions, I am someone who prefers to grieve privately. I prefer to sob in the arms of my husband who completely understands and doesn’t even try to soothe me, but just says I know, I miss them (our son and daughter who passed before birth (baby #1 and #3)) too.
After that, I decided Mother’s Day is MY day. It’s the day when my children and husband are trying to celebrate me, so I am going to choose what brings me peace and joy. I now have my adorable LO and of course my wonderful husband. I love LO with every fiber of my being. I would literally do anything for LO and I thank God multiple times every day for sending LO to me, but something people often seem to misunderstand is that LO is simply another CHERISHED member of our family, but LO is NOT a replacement child. That wouldn’t be fair to LO or my two children in Heaven. LO is my precious child who I begged God for and am so grateful for, but LO is their own person, as are my other two children in Heaven. Each is equally important, loved, and precious. I have 3 children and 2 reside in Heaven and 1 resides here. For me, holidays are extremely joyful, but always a little bittersweet missing my other two babies, wishing I could watch all three of my beautiful angel children play together. Mother’s Day though is celebrating women who have children. The day is essentially about having children and so while I love the celebration with my husband and LO and I love my life, it’s extra bittersweet and I’m extra gentle with myself that day.
For me, that looks like taking a quiet peaceful day to myself. I don’t talk to anyone else outside of my immediate family (husband and LO), we read our scriptures, pray, text people happy Mother’s Day and try to reach out to those via text for whom it’s a difficult day and just relax and spend time together. I am extremely active in my religion and love going to church every Sunday and go to great lengths to make it happen (not during COVID 😉) but I have learned that for me, going to church on Mother’s Day is not helpful and leaves me feeling worse. This may change down the road, but for now, this is what’s best for me and that’s okay. Some people may judge that, but it’s not their place.
I would not understand many of these things if I hadn’t gone through them. I want to do a post specifically on helping friends through this kind of loss, but in the spirit of how I’m feeling right now, wanted to share one specific to Mother’s Day. I know Mother’s Day is especially difficult for mothers who’ve had a child pass, those experiencing infertility, those who are single, those who are divorced, those who’ve lost someone, those who have a strained relationship with their mother or children, and so many more. I wish I could give advice for what to say to them, but I don’t have the experience I would need to to do it justice, but I do know that you should think of them and be extra sensitive and ask them how they are. I can’t speak for all mothers who have had a child pass, but I can speak to my experience. Here are some of my personal dos and don’ts.
DO
- Depending on how they feel about their baby who’s passed away, wish them happy Mother’s Day. For me, since my daughter who passed away was my first child, it felt like not only had my child been taken from me, but my status as a mother had been ripped from me after 9 months of caring for and loving my child simply because she was no longer here. While I felt the title of mother had been forever branded on my heart, I knew to the outside world, I was not a mother and even to some who knew me did not consider me a mother simply because my child passed away. I had a few friends and family that day wish me happy Mother’s Day and some of them tell me my daughter was lucky to be my daughter. Both these statements brought tears to my eyes.
- Send something small if it feels right. Sometimes parents who have lost a child, especially if it’s an only child, can feel like they don’t deserve any celebration on Mother’s Day. Flowers, a note, treat, inexpensive jewelry (especially ones with their children’s initials or that have meaning), etc. can be a gentle reminder that they deserve to be celebrated.
- Recognize there’s no amount of time that makes the passing of our children not sad, nor would we want it to be. Part of loving deeply is grieving deeply when they are gone and that’s okay. Even a person who is happily remarried after their 1st spouse passed away, will still miss that spouse forever. It’s the same with children, even unborn children. It’s especially difficult that some feel they have to justify WHY they miss this child so much when to some that child is just cells. If the latter are your beliefs, respect those who do believe they are children from the beginning and treat them as you would someone whose child passed away after living outside the mother.
- Give yourself grace. It is SO hard to know what to say and having had two children pass away before birth, I sometimes say the right thing and sometimes still say the wrong thing by oversharing or saying something that was helpful to me, but isn’t to them. When I can tell from the person’s reaction I’ve said the wrong thing, I feel so bad! I feel like I should know what to say! I should NOT be a person who said anything that added to this person’s burden, but I try to remind myself that I’m trying my very best and it came from love and just as I love those who accidentally said something that hurt more than comforted, I pray they recognize my intentions were good. I try to apologize when it seems fit, but sometimes the best thing feels like just saying I love you and ending it there. We’re all just trying our best!
DON’T
- Avoid saying anything because you don’t know what to say (something awkward is better than nothing)
- Call. For me, texting is much better. On a day when I’m feeling very emotional, it’s nice not to be put on the spot in my responses, but to know others are thinking of me
- Pretend it never happened. Don’t send a casual “what’s up” trying to check in on them, but not “remind them”. I promise they didn’t forget, and it feels way worse to feel like people aren’t comfortable addressing the hardest thing in your life right then
- Try and make them feel better. It’s sad and it’s hard, and that is okay. Some people think you have to say something long, profound, or share inspiration, but often times that’s worse and short and sweet is best. Like the above- “happy Mother’s Day- you’re a wonderful mom and/or “[baby’s name] (don’t hesitate to speak their name) is lucky to have you as their mom”, or even just “thinking of you today especially- love you.” can mean the world
- Tell them to be grateful for the other children they have or say at least they can have more. We can love the children we have here and miss the ones who’ve gone on ahead
- Don’t say at least you don’t… and relay a situation that you feel is worse. Honor their pain for what it is- pain and don’t compare it to anything to show them it could be worse or better. Just honor them and their pain for where it lies. My Nana was my role model and when she passed away I felt utterly shattered and lost. Even though I had my faith to comfort me, I still felt the pain of her absence so sharply and still do. Some didn’t even acknowledge her passing because she was “old” some said “at least she had a long life”. I knew ALL of these things, but it didn’t change the fact that one of the most special people in my life was now in Heaven and I wouldn’t see her again until I died. It felt like most people’s struggled to understand why I felt so broken. Having to explain why your loss is a loss (a baby passed away before birth early on or later on, a grandparent passing, someone passing who was suffering, etc) adds to your grief and isn’t something anyone should have to do.
- Don’t be afraid to ask how they are doing. They didn’t forget about their loved one and didn’t forget it’s Mother’s Day. You’re not reminding them of it- you’re showing you care, and for me and many I know, it’s always appreciated. Check in (via text) before, during, and/or after to see how they’re doing and wait for an answer if they want to give you one. This is especially one of those where you have to see if it feels right. Some people may just want one text- so e may need more. Feel it out and do your best
- Don’t treat them like a charity case or like their life is a tragedy. For many like me, our children who’ve gone before us are not a tragedy or anything negative. It’s something hard, someone we miss dearly, but we feel SO grateful to be their parent and love them and our lives and just because we will always feel the pain of missing them, doesn’t negate the massive joy we feel about our lives
- Don’t expect a reply. For some, this time can feel surreal. I look back on that time and months after and it’s honestly a blur. I still worry about if I write thank you notes to everyone. As I started to write the notes, I’d relive being told she’d passed away all over again and it was a traumatic experience. I’d relive the thank you notes that I was finishing up from the baby showers that I now didn’t know what to do with and think last week I was writing “thank you for this adorable outfit, I can’t wait to see it on her” to “thank you for the flowers or gift. So grateful for your support”. What happened? My body literally did not know what happened. Did you know your milk still comes in if your baby is far enough along even after they pass away? You still go through labor in most cases and are healing physically without holding a baby. As your body heals, it sometimes feels like the kicks you used to feel of your little one. Every morning i woke up confused and would have to re-figure out what happened. I felt such gratitude for all who supported me and wanted to thank them but at that time, everything is a chore. Eating, brushing your teeth, walking, etc. it’s all really hard as you try to wrap your head around this life changing thing that just happened. I still feel horrible that some people didn’t get thank you notes but I pray they understand and try to pay it forward by being there for others and not expecting anything in return, even a response.
Above all, THANK YOU for trying to be there for them and those who’ve been there for me. It’s sometimes uncomfortable to address these things, but remembering that’s more about you than them is so important. If you’re reading this and have done one of the don’ts to me or someone else, don’t sweat it! Know you were doing your best and that is SO appreciated even if it isn’t perfect. And if someone doesn’t respond, thank you for understanding and giving them the space they need and knowing it’s nothing against you. When in doubt, just ask- “what do you need from me?” After my daughter passed away, one of my best friends took me to lunch and basically asked that and I told her I wanted to acknowledge and talk abt my daughter. She hung out with me for probably hours and just talked. She was a massive bright spot in a time where I felt like I didn’t know what way was up.
I’m so grateful for all who’ve been there for me and all who want to be there for others. You are appreciated and you are wonderful. And if you or a loved one is going through this, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I really mean it. Even if you just need to vent to someone who understand a portion. Thinking of you all on Mother’s Day ❤️
Easiest Crockpot Roast