Warning: this post may be triggering for those dealing with PTSD in the passing of a child
Today is a different kind of post. It’s my third child’s birthday today (I don’t share any of my children’s names because the idea of anyone not liking this post and sending unkind comments with their names is not something I’m okay with and I don’t share my living child’s name, picture, or gender for safety). I thought one of the best ways I could honor him and his sister in Heaven is to share part of their stories and what has helped us cope with not being able to be with them in this life.
On the hardest day of my life up to that point, I lay in my hospital bed devastated and completely broken. I had just been informed that afternoon that our first child had passed away during labor. I had gone into labor at 38 1/2 weeks the night before and called the hospital and they told me to wait at home until contractions were closer and unbelievably intense. They told me to sleep and come in when the contractions woke me up. I woke up the next morning and the contractions were gone. I assumed it was just false labor and told my husband to go to work and I’d call if it returned, so he was at work anxiously awaiting to see if he should come home.
Soon it was clear that I no longer felt my precious girl moving. We knew that sometimes at the end of pregnancy, the baby is crowded and moves less, so we weren’t too concerned. I called the dr and the nurse told me to go to the hospital just to make sure. So I did and was informed that my sweet little girl had passed away. My first thought was no! Something went wrong. This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I told my husband to come and he jumped in a taxi and came as fast as he could. He was even stuck in traffic and got out and ran. Once there, I told him she had passed away. He sobbed and said then that was God’s will. I told him I didn’t really feel that, but I’d trust his feelings until I could get my own confirmation.
They induced me later that day to give birth and once contractions got intense, I took the epidural. It made my legs and lower body numb so I couldn’t move. My husband was sleeping on the couch by my bed but out of arms reach. I kept waking up sobbing and couldn’t sleep well. I tried calling to my husband to wake up, but he was sleeping too deeply (which I now recognize was a blessing) and I couldn’t move to get him. What happened next, changed my life. The thought came to mind to be grateful in every circumstance. I was reminded of a talk I had read a while back on the topic (here).
I thought how? What can I be grateful for here? So I just tried and listed anything I could think of. I was grateful she had been so active a few days ago and that my husband, Dallin and I took the time to just sit there with our hands on my stomach feeling her move and just loving her. I was grateful that even though people thought I was over the top and some people gave me a hard time, I had been so strict with the food/medication rules during pregnancy so I could know that it was nothing I did, I was grateful she didn’t pass away until the very end so I could have as much time with her as possible. I was grateful I got to give birth and still have that special experience with her and hold her. This list went on and on until I had a special and sacred experience that taught me that this was not a punishment or a test or trial. My daughter was an incredible blessing to my family. It became very clear to me that this was the plan for our family from the beginning and our family just looks different than others but she is still my child and I am so grateful for her. This doesn’t mean I don’t miss her every day, that I don’t ache for her, but it means that joy, peace, and gratitude coexist with these feelings
When we got pregnant with our second, we knew we had to come to terms with the idea that this child may not live either. We had several scares during pregnancy and labor that made us think that may be the case, but our precious child was thankfully born safely, is thriving and is such an incredible blessing in our lives and our little angel on earth
Then last year, we got pregnant with our third and ironically felt confident that this baby would live. It wasn’t God’s will though and this sweet boy passed away before birth. Again, it was nothing we did, just the way things go sometimes and God’s plan for him. In some ways his passing was easier because we knew we’d been through this before, we knew we could survive even when it feels like you can’t. We knew that pain, that actual physical pain that never fully goes away, but it does become more of a friend and joy and peace settle in. But in some ways it was harder. It shattered our confidence that more living children could come to us, and the loss felt extra steep to know we have more children in Heaven than on earth. I had PTSD when my daughter passed away, but it became more extreme (this is something I’m working through with a therapist before I’m ready to bring another child into the world). It takes a piece of your heart every time a child passes away and we felt a little emptied. But from experience, I knew for my own survival, I needed to find the good. I needed to find the blessings and that again, made all the difference. I already knew this little boy was a blessing, but it further emphasized it and helped me heal and see light.
My heart isn’t a perfect little heart. My heart has rips, holes, scars, and bruises, but it heals and doesn’t look as nice as at the beginning but it grows stronger when it heals and it grows bigger. Because of each and every one of my children and the gratitude I feel for them, my capacity to love and empathize has grown and I wouldn’t change a thing because I know this is the path for my family. It’s not an easy one, but it’s the right one, and we can have joy amidst the pain. It’s made me a better parent and spouse (hopefully 😉) it’s made me realize that life is short and there’s just no time for anything other than gentleness in my relationships. Because of all this, when the birthdays come around for my children who are in Heaven, it’s obviously somber and hard, but also filled with joy. We throw a birthday party for them every year complete with a cake and share thoughts/feelings/experiences from the past year in relation to them and it’s so special.
Just to be clear, I am not saying turn a blind eye to the pain and pretend it’s not hard or ignore hard/sad feelings. On the contrary, I am saying, let them come and acknowledge and embrace them, let yourself cry, but also give yourself the blessing of finding the joy amidst the pain and learn to embrace and be comfortable with pain and joy co-existing and know you will be okay.
If you find yourself depressed or suicidal, please seek professional help but if anyone reading this is going through this and you just need a listening ear, please feel free to reach out. There’s something abt talking to someone who is familiar with what you are going through that can be so healing. ❤️
Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins